Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
