butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
