ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
