If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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