I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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