last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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