What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
