Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
