I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
