Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize