he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
