i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
