The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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