ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It was confusing and full of hummus
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
