I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
