I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize