I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
