Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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