I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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