I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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