Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's blow job season.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
