So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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