I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
