I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
