somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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