I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
