Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
