I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
