apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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