Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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