Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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