it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
