hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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