Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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