sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize