Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
