My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
false alarm. still invincible.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
