your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
farters have to be the big spoon...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
