Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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