Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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