i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
