If you die in college, do you die in real life?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
