Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
