in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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