I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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