I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
not ubering you a puppy
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
