U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
