So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I need moral support for this bender
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
