Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
