I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
