I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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