someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
