I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
