the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
