your room smells of hookers.
And success
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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