Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
