If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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